Raptorific

“This song is about the experience of taking LSD” is the lazy man’s musical interpretation.

Posted 1 year ago

Every song is about LSD if you don’t feel like thinking about it too hard.

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What people post on tumblr based on when and where I’m looking at it:

Posted 1 year ago

When I’m in the privacy of my own home, scrolling because I’m bored:

Memes
Jokes I’ve heard before
Sports
Photosets of TV Shows I have not seen
Unpopular opinions that are actually popular opinions

When I’m in a class where people are behind me and can see what I’m looking at:

Sex gifs
Assorted erect penises that I wouldn’t really want to see whilst by myself, let alone with a classroom full of people behind me.
Cats (because who isn’t impressed by a dude who spends his whole class period looking at cats?)
FHM pictures of Naya Rivera that I am incredibly interested in but can’t linger on because there are people behind me who will think me creepy for looking at sexy pictures in class.
Calls for social justice complete with pictures of people who have recently been savagely beaten that I want to read, but would rather not have people look over my shoulder and think I’m just looking at pictures of wounded people.
In-depth, interesting theories on science, politics, literature, and my favorite television shows that I can’t look at because I’m in class and can’t read one analysis while listening to the professor’s, and, my apologies to tumblr, but I’m kind of paying a lot to listen to this guy’s lectures and can get yours for free at my local library.
Reblog notifications that lead to a blog with autoplay music.
If someone sitting behind me would judge me for looking at it, you can be certain someone will post it at the EXACT MOMENT that person looks over my shoulder.

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Posted 1 year ago

When I was younger I used to hear it on classic rock stations and it was a pretty good song. Then, at some point between 5th and 6th grade, I started going to events with DJs, or at least a playlist and speakers, and those DJs would invariably play it. When the first few piano notes rung out, people would lose their shit. I mean, the thousands of girls who screamed upon seeing the Beatles could have took a lesson from the people in the room when “Don’t Stop Believing” came on over the speakers. I have seen people injure themselves trying to get to the dance floor when this song comes on.

And I’m always like “why?!” The melody is simple, and constructed to sound like an epic but relatable ballad that comments on the human condition, but if you look at the lyrics they make no fucking sense. Seemingly, almost no two uses of a pronoun refer to the same person. It’s built to sound like a ballad, but there is no story. You never find out what happens to the “small-town girl” and the “city boy” referred to in the opening lines. Every verse introduces a new set of characters as if it’s the beginning of a story but you never hear the end of those stories.

The fact is, it’s not a good song. It’s not a terrible song, it’s just mediocre. It’s an okay song that would be okay to hear on the radio once in a while. I hate it because people go crazy over it as if JESUS THE CHRIST was singing a duet with THE GODDAMN BATMAN while JAMES BOND 007 played guitar. I hate it because when I say I don’t like that song, I suddenly get attacked as if I just casually mentioned that there is no better fourth of July snack than barbecued puppy face.

That’s why it drives me crazy that people use that Family Guy episode where they sing it as an example of how awesome the song is. That scene was putting into animation exactly what I’m saying in this post. People come into the bar off the streets just because they hear amateurs singing the song. A funeral group drops their father’s casket down a fight of stone stairs because the song is so “Kick-ass,” and the only person left to mourn him is his wife, who, when she stops crying long enough to hear the song, she completely forgets her husband’s recently desecrated corpse and joins everyone in listening. People are so obsessed with the song that it seems to supersede their personal relationships, and, in fact, their love of the song seems to supersede their very personality itself. Saying you don’t like a relatively mediocre song should not be fighting words.

So next time someone gets mad at me for hating that song, I’ll reply with a simple question: “What’s the song about?” If they can provide me with a satisfactory answer, then I will concede the argument and listen to the rest of the song without complaint. However, I will not accept answers that prove my point, and these include generic imagery and cliches.

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Since I started working as a waiter at a catered banquet hall, I have realized all the songs I always hope they won’t play at any given party:

Posted 1 year ago

“We Are Family.”
That one where the Sugar Hill Gang instructs various members of the cast of the Lone Ranger to “Jump on it, Jump on it” and alternately dance around like a robot and cowboy.
“Don’t Stop Believing.”
The song where the Black Eyed Peas sing about how good tonight’s going to be.
“It’s fun to stay at the YMCA.”
“Sweet Caroline” (I’m fine with this one as long as people don’t shout “BAH BAH BAH” along with the horns and chant “SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!”)
Any song that you have to do a specific dance to (this includes the Macarena, Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide, and all associated Slides).
“Super Freak”

However, I invariably hear at least 7 of these songs at every wedding. I don’t have anything against some of these songs. Some of them are very good songs. I actually like most of them. Almost all of them would be welcome if they came on the radio. However, most of them just reek of unoriginality. They’re all so cliched, it’s like whenever they come on I’m thinking “Oh, I guess the DJ hasn’t gotten a request in a while.”

Except for these ones, which have a specific reason for me hoping they don’t get played:

I can’t stand “Jump on it,” “YMCA,” or any other song with a specific dance associated with them (see also: Cotton Eyed Joe) because with them, I’m expected to look like I’m having a lot of fun while dancing to them, and that’s just not going to happen. For one thing, I don’t like dancing. It isn’t fun for me unless I’m also doing something else. I often dance as I make dinner or clean up, but I don’t like it as the primary activity. It feels like ordering a beverage as an entree. So the reason I always hope those songs stay out of parties is because whenever I attend them, I am unfairly pressured onto the dance floor and then everyone gets mad at me for not dancing enthusiastically enough.
The way people interact with “Sweet Caroline” bothers me for the same reason I hate live versions of songs: If those things you’re all cheering and chanting at the song made it better, they would be in the song. There is enough song there for you to sing along to. Don’t make up new parts of the song to sing along to when the DJ plays it.
I always think “Super Freak” is “Can’t Touch This” and am invariably disappointed when it is not.
I just hate “Don’t Stop Believing.” Both the lyrics and musical composition are mediocre at best and everyone treats it like part of their religion. Whenever I mention that I don’t like that song, someone invariably says “What’s wrong with you?” or “That’s like, the best song ever!” or something. This kind of reaction makes me hate the song even more. The other day I was hanging out with some people (identities withheld for protection) and I mentioned that I hate that song and they were like “Good, it’s terrible” and it ACTUALLY MADE ME LIKE THE SONG A LITTLE MORE. The first time I heard it I just had a “meh” reaction to it. People got angry at this. I liked the song a little less. The cycle has repeated ad infinitum. Since then I’ve decided that if I ever get my hands on a time machine, my first task will be to make sure that song was never written in the first place by any means necessary.

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